Ready or not, here comes 2023! In just a few short days, the ball will drop, signaling that New York City has hit puberty. Whether you’re planning to pack a diaper and a parka and tough it out in Times Square or take one for the team and watch everyone else do that on TV, it’s time to make some resolutions. If you’re a New Yorker at a loss for said resolutions (because you think you’re perfect), I’ve taken the liberty of making a list. Feel free to borrow as you please:
This year, I will learn the actual amount of time it takes to get to the places I frequent instead of assuming it’s always 30 minutes.
I will ask one of the people running through giant subway stations what they know. Are you trying to catch a train despite not yet being able to see when the next one’s coming on the screen? Did you actually plan your trip using Google Maps rather than assuming it would take 30 minutes?
I will get to the bottom of the chokehold that gelato has on University Place.
I will make it through my neighborhood CVS self-checkout without having to talk to anyone. At this point the scanner knows I’m incompetent at operating it and starts yelling, “help is on the way” the second I walk in.
I will sit in an Empanada Mama for 24 hours just to figure out how they never close.
I will work through my toxic trait of assuming I can walk anywhere, anytime. Popping in my headphones and pretending I’m in a music video can wait until after I get through this nighttime midtown blizzard with my groceries and luggage.
I will follow one of the signs that say “BREAKFAST →.” I know it means there’s a film set with catering nearby, but I like to think it’s a treasure map leading to free breakfast for me personally.
I will pack the appropriate amount of things for a busy day out and about, in order to avoid checking my backpack at the club or being carded without my wallet. (Just in case. If both of those things already happened to me all the time that would be embarrassing.)
I will enter the Union Square IHop to see if it’s real.
I will finally learn which park Park Avenue is referring to.
I will not move apartments ever again, but I will still carve out time to enjoy my favorite comedy medium: StreetEasy videos. It’s primarily slow-mo vertical clips of toilets underscored by smooth jazz. You can hope for some form of written justification below, but all you’re gonna get is “Amenities: Hardwood Floors.”
I will try the 25 shots for $3 (or whatever it is) deal on Macdougal. Actually that still sounds like a bad idea.
I will figure out where all these new futuristic, yassified Taco Bell locations came from.
I will confidently answer a Lyft driver when they ask which side of the street my destination is on, and I will say a normal amount of parting sentences (not including “love you”) as I get out.
I will infiltrate the menacing colony of geese living on the West Side Highway.
I will invest in the resurrection of Mars 2112, or at least its sick-ass rocket simulator.
This list may seem daunting now, but I vow to give it my all for the next 365 days and hope you’ll join me. If we fail, there’s always next year. Meet you in Times Square.
