About ten years ago, I was one of those New Yorkers who used to ride my bike everywhere. It was just how I got around. We would leave work and I would beat my friends to the bar who had taken the subway. I showed up places sweaty and carrying a helmet. I was thinner.
As a kid, I grew up on a bike along the sun dappled backroads of New England, building ramps out of found junk and performing utterly unsafe stunts in the woods. Hopping on a bike will always make me feel like a kid again; free, lawless, maybe even dangerous, who knows.
Life happens though, and I gave away the bike when I moved and lost the sweet deal I had with the super who let me lock it up in the alley behind the building. I have clutter issues, and I didn’t want a dirty old bike sitting in my living room, so I got rid of it.
This summer when I was virtually presented with a free and very slick mountain bike, I saw it as an opportunity for rebirth and a way to wedge some cardio back into my sedentary lifestyle.
But my friends, times have changed.
Kudos to Mike Bloomberg who, say what you will about his selling off Manhattan to developers who turned it into a tax haven for the Saudis and Russian oligarchs who launder money through real estate investments – he did also insist on miles and miles of clearly marked bike lanes all around the city.
That’s great, but along with this change, other things have occurred.
When I tell people from out of town that I ride a bike to get around they look at me like I just told them I like to have unprotected sex with crack whores “Aren’t you afraid of all the cars and the traffic?” People in New York drive so crazy!” I remind them that yes, there is a lot of traffic, but the cars are not the problem. The Problem, is… other people on bikes. And on electric bikes, and scooters and hoverboards and whatever else has wheels and a tiny little motor.
This was not just the usual guys out there taking it way too seriously in their tight shorts and those weird shirts with the little juice bottles sewn into them, I’m talking about Mad Max style bands of delivery guys.
They have a tough, dangerous job no one really wants to do. There I got that out of the way.
But they are also, for the most part a danger to themselves and others. Now that I am on a bike and kind of in their world, I see how bad it really is. There they go, riding one handed looking at their phones while running the red light and weaving between pedestrians, risking the well-being of the public. These electric bikes go pretty fast and they are all but silent.
How to put this politely..?
Many delivery dudes come from far off lands where there are a lot more scooters, and traffic rules and behavior is different. The streets of New York are starting to look like Saigon or Marrakesh and there is not enough manpower to enforce any kind of traffic rules out there and cyclists and pedestrians are at risk. And thanks to still post-pandemic-delivery lifestyle there are more of them than ever.
Some facts: The typical scooter, electric bike or Vespa runs on 50ccs of power and can reach a maximum of 30 mph.
Hey, you’re asking, what is the speed limit in New York City anyway?
It’s 25 miles an hour. If you can travel faster than busses are allowed to go it is time to get off the sidewalk and out of the bike lane, no matter who ordered their Pad Thai a half an hour ago.
If you are on a cycle that is powered by anything other than your own two legs you are now traffic and you should be in the road with the cars.
If you are riding any kind of bike while looking at your phone you deserve to end up in the back of an ambulance wondering where it all went wrong.
But, this is New York, and the only solution is to watch your own ass. People want delivery and these companies are making money and in the Capitol of Capital, Profit Before All Else, is the only rule. (Which is how we ended up in this and most other messes.)
It’s good that there are more people cycling as well, however, and it is the best way to see the city and still the most fun and convenient way to get around. Only on a bike do you realize how our city is actually kind of small. Also, most would agree that public transportation in NYC’s biggest black eye at the moment and who can be blamed for finding an alternative?
I also realized something about myself. It is this – I am a hypocrite, because once I am off the bike – once both my feet are back on the ground, I have nothing but judgement for these guys on their bikes.
And if I should ever rent a car, well everybody better get out of the way, because I only get to drive once or twice a year, so I make it count.
Which brings me to the Three Sides of New Yorkers:
New Yorker on his bike:
To pedestrians – Look up when you are crossing the street! I may not be a car but I will fuck your shit up.
To cars – What are you gonna do? You gonna hit me? Yeah I didn’t think so.
New Yorker the pedestrian:
To bikes: Get off the sidewalk… look at that lunatic he’s gonna get killed.
To cars: I’m walking here! (It is a classic for a reason.)
New Yorker behind the wheel of an automobile:
To pedestrians: Fuck around and find out.
To bikes: Fuck around and find out.
