There are over 8 million people in NYC, so why is it so hard to date?

We’ve all been there, navigating the dozens of dating apps that advertise their unique designs, but only result in us mindlessly swiping left and right on similar-looking strangers.

When we finally do match with someone, the conversations drag on, growing duller by the day to the point where neither of you asks the other out. Or, the other party is zealous in their messaging, sending unsolicited pictures and short, chirpy, borderline creepy messages every hour.

Let’s say you share chemistry in the texts and agree to meet in person. Now starts the butterflies and obsessive googling. Are you going out with a serial killer? Is the restaurant in a populated place and does it have more than three stars on Yelp?

The date goes terrible or great. It doesn’t matter. Because even if you do go out with them a second or third time, there is a good chance that you will mutually ghost each other. It’s not like you didn’t like them (well, maybe you didn’t, then you shouldn’t keep seeing them, but don’t be a jerk and leave them hanging). It’s just that you’re tired, and there are so many options.

Dating in New York is like going to a Golden Corral with a discount code. The options are unlimited, and you are ready to burst but unsatisfied. Why have one dish when you can have a bit of everything and two helpings of soft-serve ice cream?

Millions of people are in New York is precisely what makes it so hard. You can swipe and swipe and swipe, and if you don’t like how they laugh or the color of their shirt, you can continue to swipe and swipe and swipe. We’re all guilty of not giving people a real chance because the excitement of someone new lurks in our minds.

Now, don’t lose hope. I managed to navigate the treacherous waters of the NYC dating pool and find someone. We now share our life, catering to our spoiled cat and splitting the rent. It took a while and a bunch of bad dates, but I’m here to tell you that it’s possible. And I have a few tips.

Not all Dating Apps are Created Equally. 

All the apps are the same, right? Wrong. Sure, they have a slick UI design and ask that you only listen to your first reaction, making judgment calls on someone’s life based on a filtered photo. Still, beneath that, the apps couldn’t be more different. Spend time with the various apps and see which suits you best. Like the horoscope, each app has a personality that speaks to others.

For example, I flailed on Bumble. I could not get a date. Finance bros filled my options, and I do not look like someone who would date a finance bro. They thought so as well because I never matched. Tinder is fun, and still carries with it the reputation of hookups. But be warned, it feels like that new park the city opened, then forgot about, letting it slowly fall into ruin and be overtaken by locals and rats alike. Don’t get me wrong. The park has a lot going for it, but you don’t know what you’ll find.

OkCupid has some great filtering options if you like to be picky, or as I like to call it, “If we’re only going to ghost each other, they better look hot doing it.” One nice feature of OKCupid is that it allows you to mark if your relationship is (ENM) Ethical-Non-Monogamous, aka alternative dating lifestyles like Poly, Open Relationship, etc. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but for those who are daring, it is nice to find each other.

Hinge is sleek and feels classy. Maybe because it’s not pretending to be anything other than a tool to content you, it’s “Designed to be deleted” and assumes that the human will do the hard work. Hinge was my favorite, and is where I met my guy.

Distance Does Matter

One mistake I made when I first moved to the city was not filtering people by distance. I get it, you want to keep your options open, and dating someone from Soho sounds sexy. It’s not 11 pm, and you need to get back to Astoria and the trains aren’t running or are delayed due to stupidity. This phenomenon is also true for a Friday night sleepover and weekend trains. Getting home an hour and thirty minutes later will make you reconsider if the hotness factor of Soho was worth the trek. Sometimes it is, and if the location is your thing, then by all means be my guest. But don’t overlook the people within thirty minutes of you. It’s nice to come home after work and change, then hit up your local date spot instead of dressing for the date and going to work all day just because the commutes are too much.

Be Upfront and Honest About What You Want. 

Let’s face it. We are all busy. It’s part of NYC’s charm; there are a million things and people to do. One of my biggest pet peeves while dating was that no one was honest with me. To be fair, neither was I. We would both claim we were looking for something casual with no commitment. Cut to three weeks later, and I had a broken heart because I wanted more, and he did not. The kicker is I never communicated that, and neither did he. Say what you want, people! If you want a one-night stand, say it. Lots of people are happy to oblige. If you want a relationship and a possible life partner, say it! They might want to also. And, if they don’t but just want some casual sex, then maybe you do, but at least you can decide instead of playing the “does he like me game.”

Don’t Date at Bars

Bars are fun. But are they really the best place to learn about someone? New York is home to amazing art, music, nature, history, and adventure. Meeting your first date at a bar comes with an expensive bill, perhaps drinking too much and having a loud atmosphere. Which is fun, but I recommend trying something without alcohol, like coffee and a walk along Dumbo Park, or the galleries in Chelsea. You’ll be able to hear the conversation and have unimpeded judgment. Ideally, you won’t always drink with this person, so find out early if you like them sober.

That said, NYC can be an amazing place to find that special person. With millions of people come millions of cultures. You can meet the world without leaving the 12 miles that encompass the city. The city has everyone! But be kind to yourself. Give yourself breaks and rest because it’s overwhelming.

Take my advice with a grain of salt. I’m a thirty-year-old millennial who’s a little out of the zone. I’m not sure how Gen Z dates. My Gen Z friends use apps, so I think they are still cool. But maybe the youngsters are picking people up in the wild, as our ancestors did. Regardless, good luck.