The other other white meat.

I started on that app Noom about six weeks ago because I had gained, what I considered, an unacceptable amount of weight during quarantine. Same story as most people, the gym was closed, I didn’t have to go to work and run around the city, and as far as I can recall, there was nothing but rum and ice cream in the house last summer. I thought I could lose the weight on my own over the winter, but it wasn’t working. 

It came down to; buy all new “Fat-Scott” clothes or lose weight. I am way too cynical for fad diets, but a few friends had lost serious weight on Noom, so I started it. This isn’t an ad for Noom, but it happens to work. It has become a hobby bordering on obsession for me and I have lost almost ten pounds already. 

Which is why it was some cold, fucked up shit when my girlfriend suggested we get some Jollibee fried chicken on our way home from shopping one evening. 

Fried chicken is so bad for you! It’s the poster child for heart attacks and diabetes and… whatever. I have not been giving up beer and lasagna all this time just to throw it away on fast food fried chicken. I ate Popeyes once and felt so sick I went home and cried in the shower. 

But this was Jollibee, this was different. Asian fried chicken is a thing.

She said if you don’t want it you don’t have to eat it, so I knew something was up.

We got four pieces and I said, sure I’ll have one and you can eat the rest or take it home or whatever.

I have honed the indifference to food of a coked-up runway model.

I had a drumstick.

You see where this is going already.

This was one of the best pieces of chicken I’d ever eaten. Crunchy and light, incredibly seasoned, still piping hot. And it came with gravy! Not weird, is-this-actually-a-solid KFC gravy, but gravy that would make you go home and smack your mama. Gravy, bitches! 

Jollibee is a Filipino company that has finally blown up here in the U.S. They are all over the west and there’s even five in New Jersey, (which seems a little fucked up,) and now there are two in NYC. One in Woodside, Queens and one on good old Eighth Avenue, right in the middle of the theatre district.

Admittedly, the marketing and design of the place, with its happy bee mascot makes it look like someplace a Teletubby might eat, and the pictures of the food for the menu are … well, not that appetizing which makes it an even bigger surprise when you try it. I did not get any of the sides, but a lot of people were eating the spaghetti which confused me even more.

We did however, have the peach mango pie for dessert which looked exactly like a McDonalds Apple Pie. I was judgey and dismissive, but as I finished my second piece of chicken and was hoping for a third, I thought I should probably keep an open mind. And as the Bible sayeth – It was good. This was no ordinary fruit pie. It is something I wish I did not knew existed. I told my girlfriend this is our new pre-theatre dinner spot. She laughed like I was kidding.

It turns out, you see, that Asians have been off quietly taking fried chicken to the next level. I could probably write a book on Asian dining in New York and who knows, maybe I will, but I want to focus on a couple more these fast food franchises that are making Colonel Sanders wear a badge of shame. 

Next, we ordered from a place called KOKO wings. Korean fried chicken wings. It just sounds like a good idea. One of the secrets of Korean Style fried chicken if that they use a very light batter and fry it twice. This makes it extra light and crispy. 

Side note: This is not the breaded wings you get in some bars, because we all know, Buffalo wings SHOULD NEVER BE BREADED, and if you got a problem with that, you can tell your story walking.

We are talking about fried chicken. 

Koko is built for speed and ordering from their website was perfectly streamlined.

Choose the size
Choose the flavor
Get it in your mouth.

What Tinder once was.

They offer plain (crispy,) soy-garlic and hot and spicy. Or you can do half and half! The sides are a selection of kimchi, slaws or rice. We got soy-garlic and spicy. They were not over sauced or messy. The chicken was a good quality and fresh and juicy.

(It creeps me out when I get a wing with a broken bone. Did someone kick your ass before I ate you, chicken?) I’m also not that comfortable using the word juicy.

They have locations on the Upper West Side and the East Village.

Check them out: www.kokowingsnyc.com

Koreatown is full of many spicy, crunchy, funky pleasures without a doubt, but for fast food style take out, we tried Bon Chon, which has locations all around the world – how do I not know about this stuff? Bon Chon has a place right on Fifth and Thirty-Third, a block away from the Empire State Building. It was worth going to that hell-hole of a tourist block for more fried chicken excellence. Also Korean, Bon Chon fries the chicken twice and offers soy-garlic, spicy or a combo. Bon Chon’s sauce is a little more heavy handed and just as crispy and juicy. They also do a fried chicken sandwich in the form of sliders which was channeling a Bahn Mi vibe with lots of pickled crunchy treats hanging out on the roll.

Check them out: www.bonchon.com

But when you are ready for the main event, I suggest you try Taiwanese popcorn chicken. Now, the Taiwanese also know a thing or two about frying things, and if you’re ever in a place like St Marks’886  you have to get the fried pork chop (Just got a notification from my Noom app that said; Dude, what the fuck?)

I’ll save the pork chop for the book, but there are Vivi Bubble Teas all around the city. I don’t mind bubble tea. It gets a “yes, but why?” from me, but it is a whole subculture, man. Maybe you’ve seen these brightly colored, garishly cartoonish looking places. It looks like where the Powerpuff Girls would hang out after playing Pokemon Go all night in Hello Kitty feet pajamas.

But… along with a head scratching variety of bubble teas they do a little of that old Taiwanese style popcorn chicken. It’s so on the down-low it’s not even on their online menu. The bite size pieces come in a little wax paper bag and a long super-sharp chopstick like thing with which to impale them. Flavors come in spices like, pepper-salt, curry, garlic and basil. The location I tried had no indoor seating, we fought for attention out on the street and shouted our order at a woman behind layers of glass and plastic who talked into one of those subway token booth microphones. (They still take the Covid procedures very seriously. Though Taiwan was one of the first countries to have zero Covid cases. Put that win your matcha and sip it.)

These boneless nuggets of goodness were perfect walking down the street. Again, not greasy or filling. None of the bottom of the bag remorse settling in along with the lethargic feeling that comes with a weeks worth of sodium and old fryer fat.

Check them out: www.vivibubbletea.com

There are enough Asian fried chicken offerings in New York to keep General Tso up at night, but this is an underdog story. These smaller businesses from overseas are setting up shop and doing an exponentially better job than their American counterparts who draw obvious comparison; KFC, Chick Fil A, Popeyes, and so on. These big guys are fattening us up on even higher fat, high sodium, processed low quality fast food that makes Americans sick. Now, nothing will make fried chicken health food, but I hope the example set by Asian Fried Chicken Invasion – which is quality and culinary integrity (along with giant straws and cartoon characters,) will be the next big thing.