They lead all sports fanbases in audible groans. They say things like “de-FENSE!”, “Bing Bong”, “Fire Dolan”, and “Why did I waste money on tickets for this shit?” They love too hard. They lose too much. They are Knicks fans (of which I am one). And theirs is a tale of woe, exasperation, and incomprehensible loyalty.

For the uninitiated, here’s an abridged history of our venerated New York Knickerbockers:

1809

• Washington Irving publishes the satirical History of New York, featuring a fictional Dutch narrator named Dietrich Knickerbocker – coining the term that would become synonymous with being a New Yorker, which would then in turn be chosen as a nickname for said city’s basketball team 135 years later. (There, stop asking, “What the hell is a knickerbocker?”)

1946 – 1967 

• Franchise officially founded alongside professional basketball itself

• Lots of underhanded shots, no jumping, part-time plumbers

• Madison Square Garden’s name making sense, location-wise

• A Jewish New Yorker coaching the rival Boston Celtics to a bunch of championships

• No trophies, medals, or even gold stickers

1968 – 1975

• Titles, greatness, glory  

• Mythological time period in both the team’s history and Walt “Clyde” Frazier’s sex life 

• “Here comes Willis!” 

• Red Holzman, m*f*cker 

• Joe Namath’s Central Park penthouse orgies, I assume

• Birth of the Garden as The Mecca ® (copyright infringement lawsuit against the actual Mecca still pending)

• Beginning of crippling shadow of expectation that will loom over franchise forever

1976 – 1989

• Not much, then Bernard King

• Patrick Ewing conspiratorial #1 draft-pick (I heard MI5 and Noriega were involved)

• Kenny “Sky” Walker’s epic flat-top

• Not much

1990s

• Oh, man, oh, man. What?!

• “Go, New York! Go, New York! Go!”

• Pat Riley’s epic slick-back hair

• “The Dunk”

• Michael Jordan punching us in the soul all the damn time

• Charles Oakley’s epic flat-top

• Anthony Mason’s epic designer buzz cuts

• Scottie Pippen and Reggie Miller’s stupid faces, god I hate them so much

• Larry Johnson’s four-point play (it gets better when you watch it for the six-thousandth time)

• Jeff Van Gundy hate-humping Alonzo Mourning’s leg

• Nearly the mountaintop, so freaking close to the mountaintop, the mountaintop is just right there! Gah!

• James Dolan buys team (fuuuuuuck… goodbye, mountaintop)

2000 – Whenever Carmelo Anthony Got Here

• Sucked ass while mired in irrelevance – thank you, Isaiah Thomas

• Jeremy Lin took place, so that was fun

• Stephon Marbury and Tim Thomas’s meaningless bench-fight that inspired the title of Yo La Tengo’s critically acclaimed indie rock album I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass

2012 – 2020

• One brief, exciting foray into the playoffs, only to lose to [insert annoying Midwestern rival here] 

• J.R. Smith being batshit wacky in general

• Carmelo and LaLa Anthony traded, heralding the end of a non-era

• That adorable little Kristaps Porzingis period. ‘Member him? He was from Latvia

• This crazy-ass Michael Beasley interview

• More and continued sucking, then sucking on top of that

• Rewatching the Whoopi Goldberg movie Eddie out of sad, desperate nostalgia

• Beloved legend Charles Oakley banned from The Garden by behated anti-legend James Dolan, summing up the entire everything of the franchise

THE BEGINNING OF… SOMETHING… ANYTHING… MAYBE?

And then came 2021. And with it, Coach of the Year Tom Thibodeau. And a sensible, intelligently built roster with room to build, courtsey of Leon Rose and Co. And most importantly – whew, can’t believe I’m saying this – a semblance of hope.

The Knicks finished fourth in the Eastern Conference. Has anyone ever been so happy to finish fourth in anything? No Olympian, that’s for sure. Or bukkake participant. But for a sleeping-giant fanbase, whose devotion had been tested so much it felt like self-sabotage, fourth place might as well have been the World Cup.

The Knicks would go on to lose in the first round of the playoffs to the Hawks. A new Garden villain named Trey Young came out of it, which was neat. Still, nobody likes a good season to end, and it did make me hate the city of Atlanta for all of ten minutes.

But what came out of that season as a whole was like a balm to a long-festering Khal Drogo wound. Winning a home playoff game! The return of excitement to MSG! Dustin Hoffman high-fiving Ben Stiller high-fiving Tracy Morgan fist-bumping Edie Falco! Drunk knuckleheads with NSFW chants! It was a beautiful thing. 

This year, however, the Knicks haven’t capitalized on that upward momentum. They’ve stumbled a bit, never really clicking. Their star player, Julius Randle, has been a step down from the all-conquering basketball Blanka we saw last season (at least until the playoffs). As a result of this and other factors, they’re average. Just a mediocre, inconsistent squad hovering around .500. And I’m pissed.

And I’m happy about that.

Yes, I’m happy that I’m pissed about the Knicks being a middling team. I’m not happy about the Knicks being a middling team. No, no. I’m happy that I’m pissed about it.

The Knicks were in the abyss for so long, devotees like myself begged for an average team. Please give us mediocrity. Anything but more abject, laughingstock irrelevancy. That’s how bad it got. We dreamed dreams of being run of the mill.

Therefore, the fact the Knickerbockers are now expected not to be god awful, that alone is seismic. Also, with youngsters like RJ Barrett, Immanuel Quickley, Obi Toppin, Mitch Robinson, and now Cam Reddish, it’s a roster that gives fans optimism going forward.

Hm. Optimism. Opt-i-miz-um.

Sorry. The word feels funny in the mouth.

Maybe I should get used to saying it. Although 2022 is turning into a disappointing hiccup of a season, it’s hard not to feel like big things are on the horizon. What those big things look like, I’m not exactly sure. A blockbuster trade? A high-profile free agent get? We’ll see which way the winding road, um, winds.

Bottom line: I’m ready to believe in this franchise again. I’m ready to be twelve years old again. I’m ready to trust the Knicks.

What could possibly go wrong?