Summer Body Uploading

Jun 14

As a child, I remember my teacher reading a particular fable to our class regarding the merit of preparation and hard work. It starred a community of ants who worked all summer long harvesting food, and thus, were prepared with necessary sustenance the entire winter. Among the diligent, Puritanical ants, there was one grasshopper. His outlook on being proactive didn’t really jive with his comrades. He was all, “carpie diem…the fuck y’all worried about?? We should be having a hot bug summer, not working our assess off!” And when it came time for winter…he realized how utterly fucked he was.

Unlike the grasshopper who learns his lesson and changes his behavior going forward, I never change.

Everyyyyyyy year starting in October, I sit around my home and cram every carb available down into my gullet all day long. Not even a single vegetable. Just carb on carb. I see all of my fellow humans hitting the gym come rain or snow and I laugh maniacally at them. Suckers. Hitting the treadmill in the dark, freezing, cold when they could be on the couch with a tub of popcorn watching a movie.

“It’s too early to start working on a summer body. The colder months are a time for relaxation!”

And then one day I see the sun shining through my window. And it’s late May. And the most exercise I’ve gotten is walking from my snack cabinet to my couch.

At which point, I spend a ridiculous amount of time lifting, running, yoga-ing, and crying my way into a smaller sized jeans just in the nick of time.

I lift weights a few times a week. And somewhere around ten minutes in, I’m always hit with the same thought, “this FUCKING SUCKS. Screw dropping dead from an exercise induced asthma attack — surely I’ll die of boredom first.”

And that’s when I’m so thankful that I live in New York City…because doing so means you don’t have to settle for boring workouts. Being a New York City resident or even visitor means the opportunity for fun, creative, even zany fitness classes! Like these:

Circus Arts.

My personal favorite form of work out is circus arts! No need to leave your dreams of running off and joining the circus in the past, tucked safely next to all of your childhood traumas. In New York City YOU can become a circus star!

Places like Muse in Brooklyn have classes that allow participants to try their hand at aerial silks and hammock, lyra hoop, trapeze, contortion, and more. Mastering these skills takes time and patience, so don’t expect to receive a casting call from Cirque after your first lesson. However, the conditioning will make you wildly strong if you stick with it (think pull ups, chin ups, push ups) and overall, the circus arts are so much fun that you won’t actually feel as though you’re exercising.

Nude Yoga.

Perhaps not seeing people for upwards of a year has you wondering, “how can I even begin to re-ingratiate myself into society?” Well, obviously the best way would be to take yoga classes with strangers completely in the nude. And there’s a few good reasons for that. First — once you’ve overcome the anxiety and fear of wearing nothing by your skivvies, or nothing at all in front of strangers, how hard can it be to attend Lisa’s backyard barbecue for a few hours? Imagine the newfound courage you’ll have! Moreover, the owner of Naked in Motion stresses that the point of her classes isn’t necessarily about fixing your body through yoga, but fixing your ability to see yourself as a beautiful, bold, capable, bad-ass human being.

So, who’s signing up??

Running.

I am the only freak that I know (outside of actual runners) who enjoys running. I’m not even good at it, like at all, but I like it a lot. But, I can see why people don’t. Especially if you’re just jogging on a treadmill counting down the minutes until it’s all over like a hamster on a wheel in a spoiled, stinky, kid’s bedroom trying to pass the time until one day he can drift blissfully off into the bright white lights of death while he sleeps one evening.

Well, there’s bright lights at the Nike Mile High Run Club’s studio…but they’re not the lights of the afterlife. They’re sexy colored lights that illuminate the room as you, other participants, and your coach complete a running session. Participants of all levels and abilities, even just walkers, are welcome to improve their performance or just get some cardio in. What I particularly like is that the ethos is very welcoming. The Nike Running Brand seems to understand how intimidating running, especially in a group setting, might be for some people, and they really have you feeling empowered in their sessions.

I did some audio sessions over the pandemic with a coach, and it was insanely helpful to have someone who was super kind and encouraging tell me when to slow down, exactly what pace to go, how to correct my form — all strategies which improved my performance a lot.

Surfing.

I mean if you want to actually learn how to surf, you can always hit up the Rockaway Hotel in Queens which sometimes offers lessons and surf camps!

However, if you want a fun way to work on your overall body strength as well as adding some cardio, check out Surfset New York. Participants climb aboard actual surfboards which sit on balance balls and learn moves that would actually be used out in the ocean when learning to surf or training. Learning to surf in these classes just happens to have the added benefit of being a real work out.

Belly Dancing.

Do you have big dreams of becoming a star on the Bollywood screen, or at least a star in the sanctity of your bedroom? Perhaps your goal is to shimmy-shimmy-shake it at some gray haired, 70 year old man’s retirement party as he awkwardly pats you on the toosh while his wife drops arsenic into your water. In any case – head to Bellyqueen for a truly sensual and fun work out.

This studio offers showcases, events, and of course classes. Learn how to work fans and symbols into a variety of belly dancing styles like folkloric and tribal in order to feel sexy as hell while getting in a serious toning workout.

Stephanie A.

Stephanie once found herself very nearly kicked out of the Morgan Museum and Library for weeping incessantly over a lock of Mary Shelley’s hair on display. Apparently the other patrons found that disturbing. Beyond that though, Stephanie is a freelance writer, novelist and owner of the Wandering Why Traveler brand. She lives in the ‘Little Odessa’ part of Brooklyn where’s she’s been studying Russian for nearly a decade yet hasn’t learned jack-shit about the language, somehow. It’s probably because she’s always consumed in art history seminars, museum visits, and indie bookstores. She’s a voracious reader, a prolific writer, and enjoys both the glitter and grit of New York City. An ‘old soul’ is how she describes herself because of her love of classics, actors like Marlon Brando, and penchant for Van Morrison, Motown, and early bedtimes.