Where are you when no one else knows where you are?

A speakeasy, according to one song in the ill-fated 1989 musical Legs Diamond.

Or in this case… a church?

If you have been walking up Broadway around 51st Street, you may have noticed something called the Times Square Church. But it’s not a church. It’s a Broadway theatre where people do church stuff now, and if you’re like me, you’ve probably thought, “that ain’t right.”

Look, church, faith and all that jazz is great, but in the middle Times Square, it feels like doing homework on a Saturday. 

How did we get here? The Mark Hellinger theatre was opened in 1930, named for some journalist from back in the day. It’s a lush, lavish theatre that seats 1600 people. It hosted movies and vaudeville through the forties. 

Julie Andrews and Rex Harrison opened My Fair Lady there.

And just to show that the multi-verse has a sense of humor, no less than Jesus Christ Superstar premiered at the Hellinger in 1971.

But, the theatre eventually became cursed with flop after flop – shows like Grind, something called Tango Argentino and the Doug Henning vehicle, Merlin – (yikes,) to name a few. The film version of A Chorus Line was filmed at the Hellinger as well. But in 1989 the Nederlander organization sold it to an interdenominational organization known as the Times Square Church for seventeen million 1989 dollars. 

The meek shall inherit… real estate!

You don’t just sell a Broadway theatre. Broadway theaters are like books of the Bible… they aren’t making new ones.

What was the show that finally caused the Nederlanders to sell a whole theatre to a church organization? 

That show was Legs Diamond.

Legs Diamond is a musical about a notorious prohibition age gangster — Jack “Legs” Diamond. Or at least – a version of an idea of the guy. To listen to the soundtrack is to feel like one has been roofied by Carol Channing. It was scored by and starred, the Australian performer, Peter Allen who was once married Liza Minelli for three years (but was totally gay,) and was portrayed by Hugh Jackman in The Boy From OZ. 

A lot going on there, but we should proceed.

In the show, Legs pops out of jail for something that was not that big of a deal I guess, and decides to go and become a song and dance man and see his name in lights. 

As the opening number says, “Here in the jazz age, the world is at a crazy stage…”

Yes, it’s that bad.

You want more lyrics?

This is from the second song in the show;

If you love me show me your knockers, if you don’t, put ‘em away.

Put ‘em away!

Also,

With an older woman… nothin’ you do is a crime. 

Um…

I believe the show was cursed by Legs himself.

Jack Diamond was not a nice man.

A hot-headed Irish kid, he started out in the 1920’s as a bodyguard for the infamous Arnold Rothstein (the racketeer who fixed the World Series.) While he did like to cut a rug with the dames, he never had any ambitions as a performer.

He became a drug runner for his mob bosses with a notorious temper and a serious drinking habit, even by bootleggers’ standards. He had a reputation for enjoying killing, and thus most of the Broadway crowd steered clear of him.

Back in the 20’s and 30’s when people referred to “Broadway” it meant something very different than it means today. It was a way of life defined by illicit if slightly criminal fun. Most of the live entertainment was bawdy reviews, burlesque and vaudeville and it was no secret that a lot of the chorus girls made money on the side in one of the many whore houses around the “clogged artery.” Night clubs and bars were open ’til the sun came up, and there was gambling. Lots of gambling. It was a time when politicians cavorted with whores, gangsters and show business luminaries.

Sounds awesome, right?

And when the law declared prohibition and tried to close the bars? Broadway doubled down on the party.

Having made some money and a name for himself, tough guy Legs Diamond opened his own place called, the Topsy-Turvy Club which is maybe the best name for a bar ever. The best part is, it was on 51st and Seventh! Steps away from where the musical that borrowed his name and little else, tanked after 62 performances. Diamond’s career as a night club owner was cut short. As part of an ongoing feud with his nemesis Dutch Schultz, the “Beer Baron of the Bronx,” (all the good nick names are taken,) Legs got in a drunken fight with some of the guys in the Topsy-Turvy. Shots were fired, and two guys were killed. You don’t kill a man in your own joint, this ain’t the waterfront. Over the next months during the investigation, the bartender, the waitress, the hat check girl and several witnesses, all one by one “disappeared,” and the investigation was dropped.

Now, I would watch a musical about that.

Diamond was shot no less than five times in his career as a bootlegger. Perhaps understandably, when it was finally his turn, and two guys broke into his hotel room, they shot him three times in the head – just to be sure.

Maybe Legs made a deal with the devil when he died, but if you are going to write a musical about a philandering lunatic murderer who survived four attempts on his life, make sure you tell his story right or he might just rat you out to the holy rollers from the other side.