NYC Schools Resume Jan. 2nd to Prevent Kids from Overdosing on Holiday Cheer and Family Bonding
New York City public school students and staff returned to class on January 2nd, while many Long Island schools remain blissfully closed until the following Monday. Naturally, teachers, students, and the occasional parent—those who don’t actively dislike their children—are left wondering: what’s the rush?
“Look, I’m a straight shooter. My closest friends even call me Frank,” said NYC’s newest Chancellor at a press briefing. “The truth is, we need to think smarter, not harder, when it comes to finances. If kids spend more time at home relaxing, celebrating the holidays, and forming genuine connections with their family and friends, they might—God forbid—become emotionally stable. And that, frankly, would render the millions we’ve poured into social-emotional training for staff a colossal waste.
“Let me remind you,” she continued, “we’re working with the basic package of social-emotional training because, again, we need to be budget-savvy. The idea of children making actual heartfelt memories outside of school is, quite frankly, bleeding us dry.”
The Chancellor went on to elaborate on the broader philosophy behind the early return: “These kids spend the majority of their lives in school. They need to learn how to barely function here, not thrive in the nurturing bubble of home. Let me put it this way: any successful prison operates on the principle that inmates learn to survive in their environment by being in that environment. Mom, Dad, and Aunt Tiffany—who, let’s face it, drinks too much eggnog—aren’t teaching kids how to forge a shank. That’s something we prepare them for because it’s what’s expected.”
Social workers and school counselors echoed the Chancellor’s sentiment about social-emotional priorities. “We’re here to support the kids,” said Linda Jeffries, a school guidance counselor, while vigorously shaking a salad to ensure every leaf got its share of dressing. “And we’re using methods that we assume work because someone in a suit told us they do.”
When pressed for clarification, Ms. Jeffries cited popular initiatives like sitting kids in restorative circles and encouraging counselor visits whenever students feel overburdened by teacher expectations. When asked whose standards of success were being used to evaluate these programs, Ms. Jeffries smiled warmly and said, “That’s the beauty of social-emotional learning. We’re all allowed to have our own measures of success.”
