Ask a New Yorker: Why Are You All Such Assholes?

That’s a great question!

I travel a lot. In nearly every part of the world outside of the East Coast, it is commonplace for someone to ask you how you’re doing…and genuinely want an answer. This never sits well with me. It freaks me out, actually. I remember a person approaching my husband and I on the streets of Savannah, Georgia and asking, “Hey, how are y’all doing?” My immediate reaction was to begin handing over my wallet and putting my hands in the air. In my New York mind, no one is nice just for the sake of being nice. But, apparently they are in other parts of the world!

In New York, a lot of actions that are viewed as nice in other parts of the country and world are actually not favorable in the concrete jungle. Here’s why:

1. New Yorkers Value Being Prompt.

Most things that one can do in New York City have a prompt beginning time. Restaurants, especially popular ones, can literally have thousands of people coming through their doors in a single day. More customers means more money to be able to pay for the exorbitant price of rent for a business. For that reason, many eateries are strict with regards to arriving at reservations on time. It is not unheard of for a restaurant to turn guests away (without feeling bad) for being 10-15 minutes late for a reservation. Therefore, New Yorkers know that if they want to eat at that new hot spot, they better show up on time. 

Courtesy: Unsplash

The ballet, opera, and live performances are taken very seriously by attendees as they are truly once in a lifetime experiences. Not to mention, the tickets are incredibly expensive. The artists also take these performances seriously because being an artist or performer is a viable, full time, career in the Big Apple. Nobody who spent hundreds of dollars on a ticket wants to be interrupted by a family of four walking past them in a tight and narrow seating space whisper-yelling “‘scuse me! ‘Scuse me!”. No actor, who spent months training and rehearsing wants to be distracted by a gaggle of folks traipsing in late and looking for their seats. New Yorkers know it’s important to arrive at performances on time. 

With the onset of COVID19, we have seen institutions which used to operate as “come at your own time” hold guests to pre-advanced time slots. Even the Highline, which is outdoors, requires pre-booked time slots. Being late to the museum could mean not getting the chance to see it. 

When a few people are “late” to something, they would literally hold up the thousands of people around them or after them if they were to be accommodated. So, often, people who are tardy are NOT treated with kid gloves. When someone has to go from south Brooklyn to midtown Manhattan for a show, there’s no time to get stuck behind a tourist trying to get the perfect selfie. Hopefully, you can see why.

2. New Yorkers See Some Wild Shit.

You might have some…characters in your hometown…but you haven’t seen the creme de la creme until you visit New York City. A woman wearing a ballgown, walking down the street, telling everyone that she’s the Queen of England and to kiss her ass? Check. Man jumping out from behind the dumpster with tap shoes on and performing a routine when you pass by? Check. 

And these people are the lovely oddballs of our city! 

We haven’t even touched on the man swinging an ax at people silently doing yoga in Bryant Park, or the blatant sexual assault that happens in broad daylight. 

Courtesy: Unsplash

Whether it’s tap dancing Todd, or someone more sinister, when assaults happen, it is usually unexpected and occurs in an instant. In New York, we must be on our guard and vigilant at all times. Folks with sinister intentions are very adept at getting their victims to let their guard down before striking. 

By striking up a conversation you are putting someone through the stress of wondering if you’re about to trick them into assault once their guard is down. You are also distracting that person from keeping a watchful eye on their belongings and surroundings.

3. New Yorkers are Always Doing Something

Yeah, maybe you have hours to wile away living in Dicksville, but we don’t. There is always something to do in New York, whether it is obligatory or for recreation. With 2,100 bars, at least 25,000 restaurants, over 80 museums, 1,700 parks, and some type of event every day of the week, we have places that we have to be or want to be! There’s no time to kill when you have so much to experience. (Those numbers are real and accurate by the way!)

Not to mention, New Yorkers tend to work grudgingly long days, it’s kind of how you prove that you’re worth your salt here, and it’s definitely part of the culture and persona. After a 10 hour stint in the office or at the restaurant, New Yorkers are desperate to get straight to the bar or live music hall to blow off some steam. 

So, kindly, get out of the way and move to the side.

By stopping and trying to have a conversation with someone, or asking for a photo, you are actually very well likely keeping them from doing something that they deem important.

4. New Yorkers Are Mindful.

We really are respectful people. If a New York local doesn’t strike up a conversation with you, or offer a beaming grin, it’s because we respect your privacy and right to feel safe. We know that tourists get inundated by tales of hustlers, thieves, and con artists perusing the streets. Tourists get told that anyone can be one of these savvy and charming criminals, and this is true. So, we stay our distance so that you never have to guess. “Does that big smile mean I’m about to be robbed?”  If someone does approach you and ask how you’re doing, they are either going to sell you something, or push you into an alley and take your money. The safest and most respectful people in the Big Apple are not the ones who give you a big smile and say, “WELCOME” but actually, the ones who pretend that you literally don’t exist. 

Don’t take it personally if people pass right by you with a grim expression as if you’re a ghost. Culturally, this is a New Yorker who is actually showing you the utmost respect!

5. New Yorkers Have Trust Issues.

The ingenious comedian Michael Che once said that he thinks white girls killed Biggie Smalls. It’s an outlandish theory, but a plausible one. Che was in essence making a wisecrack regarding gentrification. Every resident of a gentrified neighborhood knows that as soon as you see the first cupcake shop spring up, it’s only a matter of time until the rent prices increase and the Instagram models come infiltrating to make what was once an edgy neighborhood, safe, bubbly, and full of glitter. 

There’s an unreasonable, inexplicable, nostalgia that comes with reflecting on the grittier days of New York City. While most people aren’t a fan of murder, it’s not uncommon to see a gleem in the eye of New York city natives who lived through the city’s most wild days. They’ll tell you stories of peep shows in Times Square, daily car robberies, and heroin needle filled parks with a small smile and a gleam in their eye. Take one look at the newest coffee shop in your NYC hood charging an astronomical rate for a cup of java, and you’ll kind of see why. 

It seems all too often that we welcome these wide eyed millenials with open arms, and we get blind sided when sometimes they take more than they give. 

An element of grit is always going to be necessary in New York City, if we lose that, we might as well call ourselves Kansas City. New York City is a spectacular place to realize one’s dreams and build his or her successes – truly. However, New Yorkers are rightly bitter when the dreams of transplants to the concrete jungle chip away at the soul and identity of our home. I’m not sold that we need yet another cheery artisanal cupcake store or coffee shop run by some tiny blonde from the midwest. We seem to have a lot of those, and it’s really cramping our style. 

If you’re going to move here and open a business, be a real pioneer and create a space that preserves our edginess. An opium den, a swinger’s nightclub, I don’t know, something along those lines. If you did that, then you’d really be onto something. Please, for the love of Stuyvesant, do not build us another vegan ice cream parlor. We’re good on those. 

One Last Point.

I belong to a Facebook group for travel enthusiasts. One member, a mother of five children, couldn’t understand why “NO New Yorker” in the group wanted to answer her inquiry about things her family could do when they come to visit New York City in two weeks. 

The lack of responses came out of a place of respect rather than us New Yorkers blatantly ignoring her. The state currently has a 14 day mandatory quarantine for visitors in place, clearly this woman had not even bothered looking into that. By coming to NYC and avoiding the 14 day quarantine order, she is running the risk of getting us sick, and using up the medical resources and staffing for New Yorkers if her and her family needs care if they contract the virus. New Yorkers are trying desperately to get our kids back to school and our lives back to normal, we can’t keep doing that with elevated case numbers.   

New Yorkers love diversity in just about everything, however, we are currently reeling with tremendous loss from COVID19 and immense social unrest. Please – give more than you take from our city when you visit. 

If you’d like to chat with a local, the city streets are not the best place for the aforementioned reasons. Try making small talk at a bar or a live music scene instead – basically, the environments that are unanimously conducive to friendliness and meeting new people. Better yet, take a walking tour and chat with the guide! Tour guides anywhere in the world are notoriously friendly and always looking to meet new people. 

Given the unique environment that New Yorkers live in, we kind of have to behave in a way that may give off major “asshole” vibes. Here’s hoping that this post answers a much sought after question from out of towners! 

Cheers,

Stephanie