Are You Guys in Line?

I have long held a fascination with what I believe is New Yorkers willingness – or eagerness – to stand on line. Way back in the day, I often hung out in Madison Square Park as I lived nearby and there was this little grey building that looked like a cabin, or maybe a big tree house that was selling hamburgers, and at lunch hour, the line for them circled the entire park.

“Nope,” I said decisively. “No hamburger is that good.”

This went on every day. Then again, around dinner time, once or twice, I would stop and ask people “Are you really standing on this line for a burger? There’s a Wendy’s like, right over there.”

They would tell me to fuck off.

The infamous Smorgasburg

That grey building of course, would turn out to be the first Shake Shack.

It was years before I would taste Shake Shack because I hate to wait in line. 

Then came Artichoke on 14th St. A crazy line all the way up the block for a slice of that seafood Newburg pizza. That line I did stand in.

Then there was that BBQ festival in Mad Square Park which is just one long line.

Then the “cronut,” whatever the hell that was.

I so get the feeling sometimes myself even though I hate waiting in lines. It boils down to the FOMO that happens when you see a long line – That must be some good shit – else why is everybody on that line?

Now I had heard of Smorgasburg, but never been, because like most New Yorkers, I don’t go anywhere. But last weekend, I finally ended up there and had a great day eating and people watching. And, if you like the nervous, prickly feeling that comes with wondering why everyone is on line – this is your place. 

Take the L train to Kent St and walk to the water and you will find it spread out at the East River State Park in Williamsburg. Tattoos are not required but definitely encouraged. Why is everyone so cool in Williamsburg? God, you could see the tops of my socks the whole time I was there. 

Smorgasburg happens on Saturdays through October from 11-6.

There is something like 35 vendors selling a pretty wide variety of food (that seems to skew Asian-fusion,) drinks and some sexy looking dessert items. Speaking of drinks, there is a roped off section that serves booze. It has picnic tables where you can sit and eat. But sitting is for the weak, as we learned first, the best strategy of smorgasburgin’ is eat while in line!

When we arrived, the cold fear of indecision sank in. There was some bullshit called a spaghetti doughnut – but, no – fuck no.

We jumped on the first line we saw after that which was… tacos! At Takumi Taco’s stand, we got a tuna tartar taco and a shrimp one also. They were both ridiculously good.

Some recommendation after turned up, it was for the longest line in the place which was Baos (dumplings.) We could not even find the end of the line. We decided that it was too long even though they looked really, really good and were all these different colors!

With people milling around everywhere, it is sometimes possible to be in a line and not know it. Or to be in the wrong line. The refrain Are you guys in line? is repeated everywhere. (I don’t know. Should I be?)

I began to practice line discrimination – There’s no one in that line – must be shit. The longer the line is the better it must be! Fuck they just got theirs!  Look at them, all eating and whatnot.

“Hey is it good?” I asked hopefully.

But they won’t even talk to you once they have their food – you goddamn ‘still in line’ person.

Next stop – Yakatori BBQ – we waited kind of forever like these people – All the while wondering if we were missing out on a better line. 

Waiting for what might be a good meal

eOh there goes somebody with some of those dumplings! GOD they look so happy!

The lamb chops were delicious and cooked perfectly rare and the grilled pork belly was a delicious treat also. It may have cost me a year of my life, but what the hell it’s the last year anyway, amiright?

There are too many other places to ever try at once and you will want to go back again the next day.

I do have to take a second and throw out what is a ‘buyer beware from me,’ and that was for this Oh K-dog. 

The Oh-K Dog

This is an unfortunate by-product of the “instagramable food” era. Looks too good to eat! Let’s keep it that way. The name says it all and it is barely okay.

The place had a respectable line, and the dogs look unbelievable, no doubt. But they are weird and doughy. The one with a hot dog has a small unimpressive wiener that is wrapped in all of those forgettable shenanigans and is surprisingly bland. I got the mozzarella dog, and after being reminded that there is no meat in mine, I was preparing to shove all that mozzarella in my mouth – and bit into something that tasted like a crunchy fritter with a little cheese already going cold in the middle.

Total bummer, dude.

Moving on.

The home run of the day – especially in the heat – was these drinks that you sip right out of the fruit carcass! You will soon find out why everyone is walking around with one once you order your own!

The winner of the day: fruit in its own carcass.

And – they do refills for only a couple dollars! If you don’t mind everyone you walk by asking, “if you can get that with alcohol,” I definitely recommend one! 

There are now Smorgasburgs popping up at the WTC as well as Jersey City and Prospect Park. Check it out here for more information.